sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
