Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize