at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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