Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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