Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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