bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
