Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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