dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
