For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The air taste purple.
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