I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Randomize