I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
