its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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