so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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