Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
