I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...