I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet