Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator