Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.