she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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