The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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