so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
