I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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