he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
