I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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