We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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