I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
