the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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