so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
