Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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