Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if you like me you must not know who I am
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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