My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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