i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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