He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
