I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
