All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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