Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
