I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
