but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
