Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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