textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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