He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
