so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
