Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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