Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
