I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
