Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
