i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
