the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
