Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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