ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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