just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
