chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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