goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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