I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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