I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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