The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
