I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
