so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
