dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
