Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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