u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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