Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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